The following is a slightly modified version of the original Liberal-Conservative Divorce Agreement from a supposed Law Student named John J. Wall. I have modified it to my own taste.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell, and the likes.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and leave you with NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and over-sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. (For the record, I own a Forester and do not take offense to this.)

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, if after a few years you find you want to try our traditional way of life then we shall welcome you with open arms. 

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. - You won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Today on the radio I was listening to people on the air report on our energy supply and consumption levels over the next 25 years. The picture was quite grim. 

What I heard was that at our current rate of consumption and our rate, or lack thereof towards using more renewable energy sources such as wind and hydro, our costs for non-renewable energy can be expected to increase nearly 50% very quickly, like within just a few years. Imagine this world in a few years with gas at $10 per gallon.

Another disturbing report suggests that over the next 25 years, only about 10-15% of automobiles on the road will be hybrid and electric vehicles or something other than a gasoline-powered vehicle. I would have expected this number to be drastically higher.

These are but two examples of several that were all grim. 

What puzzles me is how difficult it is for someone like T. Boone Pickens to be struggling to implement change in the way we produce and consume energy in the United States. If anyone should be able to do it, Pickens is the one. (Some would disagree, vehemently).

Assuming that Pickens one day is able to implement his plan for America where we use Natural Gas for more of our transportation needs, thus reducing the amount of oil that we use, and then use more wind, solar, and hydro to make up for the energy hole left from shifting our use of natural gas, I believe we could turn things around. We would create jobs and it would give Americans something we can all believe in because we have everything to gain. In a way, it seems so obvious, and simple, like our energy future “lies beneath our feet”, as Boone says.

The choice is up to us, as citizens, defined by our actions. If we choose conservation and push for change as a people then we can achieve new heights. If we don’t stand up as a nation, then even people like T. Boone Pickens will be working in vain. 

I guess the ball is in your court now.